Turning to Lily in hard times

It was a ruff night trying to get Lily into bed tonight. I called Ricky a few times taking my frustration out saying "what do I do with this kid!?" it was no help. For once saying it out loud just made the situation worse. Lily was crying in the background, for the millionth time. I got her out of bed and decided honesty was the best policy.

I told her regretfully that I was having a hard time helping her. I told her I was feeling sad and angry. I told her that hearing her cry made me not want to spend time helping her, it only made things feel worse.

She saw me getting tears of frustration in my eyes, I think she felt scared. Kids expect their parents to always be the strongest people in the world. If I was losing it, the world was probably going to end.

She hugged me again and again saying, "I want mommy to be happy. Do you feel happy mommy?" she kissed me several times and we sat together on the bathroom floor, both of us a wreck, helping each other cry and get it all out.

Rocking her after that felt easy. She wasn't worried about herself anymore, and I wasn't worried about giving with an empty bucket. I felt like we were peers, loving each other and talking about fun things.




- We reminisced about the sound of fireworks, how fun it is to run around at the bowling ally, how peeing in a big toilet is a liberating experience when your trying not to fall in, how fun the Halloween light show was tonight and how much we wished daddy could be there with us (he was working tonight).

She's reminded me of all the fun stuff life is made of.