Quick, do something!

I used to be a busy FREAK.
A productaholic.
A non stop control train of doom.
Impulsively constructive, to the point to destruction.
..... catch my drift?

Funny thing - I realize now... I wasn't actually living experiencing life at all.
I was multitasking myself out of existence, and my dishes were still dirty!
.... I was too mentally shot to actually DO them, not just think about hurrying to get them done.

A friend of mine refers to our kind as, "exotic flowers, who need exotic nourishment". (love that, btw.)
Occasionally we began lamenting to each other about how busy we had been. She explained that she had set a goal to devote 30 minuets of uninterrupted time with her child, no matter what the cost.


Initially I got excited about the commitment. I wanted to double check that I was at least spending that much time with my daughter.
So I did, even if it meant I set the timer, sat on the floor and let her climb all over me as I stared at the wall in an exhausted pile. The phone rings off the hook, it doesn't matter. I read the books and did everything she'd been asking for all morning.

I reported to my husband that it was going really well. I was consistent therefore, feeling like a better mommy.
He was shocked.
"You actually have to focus that hard on engaging in parenthood?"
 No, no, no - it wasn't that. I fulfill her requests all day long... while I juggle a hundred things on the side.
I was not neglecting my child. I just wasn't growing up with her.

After much thought, and psychological counseling from my husband, this exercise taught me that these 30 minuet moments were a form of meditation.
I stretched my imagination. I'm learning to place leads on my brain and redirect it where I see necessary for my brain to be, when I say it should be there. I just happened to use my child as the excuse to regain my life back. Thank you for everything you do for me, Lily.

I started to notice a burden lifted and a huge sense of peace. The relaxation became so addicting I started pushing myself more and more. I would leave our little tea party, going back to my paperwork with a feeling like I had been to the spa.

Why would I wreck that by making my mind scrambled eggs again?
HA! At first it felt like sitting for 30 minuets was the scrambled egg effect... but that wasn't reality.
I would challenge myself to keep the calm, guided, simple process of thought for an extra 15 minuets, then 40 minuets - and so on.

Putting a road block on Mortgage thoughts, bank phone calls, deadlines for weddings I was helping to plan, research on parenting, etc, etc... became easy! After a year and a half... I was telling stories about the Hairy, scary monster blowing his nose into a beach towel. -- it ain't no thang!


I didn't want to stop being a kid again.

I canceled my life. So I could Live my life.

- It took discipline.
- It took Prayer.
- It took beating myself over the head with guilt and feelings of inadequacy when I "sat around" all day.
- It took leaning on my husband to make dinner and encourage my pursuit of "nothingness".
- It took 3 years of reprogramming my feelings and assumptions of  supposed "obligations".

I realized, line upon line - that I AM doing the right thing when I tell others no.

I fought long and hard for the night time rocking, bed time stories, and picnics at the lake!
I fought long and hard for the naps I've earned today!
I fought long and hard to make myself really focus on the moment when I'm wiping away a tear.
I fought long and hard to understand the whisperings of my daughter's heart as she said her prayers at night.

And....

I am not regretting it.