Mothers: Planting the seed of wisdom

I commonly hear my peers, and myself (gals in their 20s) using phrases like,
"I never learned to...."
"My parents never taught me..."
"I wish I would have known..."

As I have become a parent, I've rolled around my life experiences over and over in a new light. Suddenly - there are two sides to every story. Why my mom had me avoid certain situations because of social "dos and don'ts", when I only thought she was being unfair and hampering my independence, or why she used specific wording when describing something important.
I've reviewed the past, questioning every motive behind all the parenting decisions she made on my behalf.
Where they fell short for my personality type and not my brother's, what my mom supposedly "lacked" in her tremendous outpouring of sacrifice and giving to me.

Then I have these amazing moments where the pieces of the puzzle fit together, and I can get the healing from resentment that I've longed for.

The newest discovery came from talking to a complete stranger about my pain, while in a waiting room at the temple. I was resenting the way my mother helped me learn a few things, when it occurred to me that with MY own children - I'm constantly being told at the very moment, the things that I should do for them. I'm inspired by God (commonly known as - mommy intuition) what to say, how to phrase it, what to teach and when. How could I ever believe that my mom was not the same way? Now, I let the small stuff fly - maybe I let my kids play in the toilet during an important phone call - but I NEVER fail to insist on correct principals when the time is right, and the effects are far reaching.

Then as my two year old was going from one activity to another, messing everything up along the way I thought.... "Don't put her in time-out for the 10th time this hour. Pick your battles and relax." feeling confident that the learning experience would present itself again in the future.

I have to make every opportunity count.
But there is so much to teach!

My own children will have their list of imperfections about my ability to aid them in all the answers too.

Some concepts can only be experienced. Things like money management were concepts that I couldn't begin to comprehend until I moved out on my own and learned what it felt like to starve. Other principals came naturally by explanation and example.

How could I honestly say "My mother never taught me to ... _____ ..."

.... so it occured to me,

- she planted the seed.

 

She knew what she was doing, and that it would take root in it's own proper time. She was wise, patient and walked with quiet reassurance from a higher power that she was doing the right thing.

"I never learned....."

because the root had to take - at it's own pace.

I thank my mom for planting the seed.

Before I Became A Mother....

I never realized how beautiful weeds could be.....

I had never held a baby hippo before......

I never went "running into a coupon" during a sunset....

I never had tongue marks in my butter....

I never thought an umbrella was worth packing....

I never laughed so much at a fish.....

My heart never melted when I heard the words "up, up!"....

I never worried about the chance of survival in negative 38 degree weather....

Never knew a baby could fit inside a snow shovel....

That I really do mean the world to someone else....

I never learned to braid.....

Or use a curling iron on fine hair....

I had never hung such miraculous art work....

Or been so disappointed when it got eated.....

Never knew what a REAL pizza should look like....

I never used to get dressed up to go to the mail box....

I never used to find stickers in my toaster ether.....

I never knew a "pum pum" could wrap up so much joy.....

Or that my shoes could be a train station....

I never learned the best secrets to hide-and-seek....

Or realized soap whiskers could make such a great bed time distraction.....

That the best TV pals are farm animals....

And that M&Ms can be used as face paint....

I never realized I would have such a great father for my children....

That my babies will always stay my babies.....

That peanut butter tastes better on your fingers....

Or that Ice cream is better from the cone first....

That clay monsters could open a doorway to my heart....

buh buh buh moment of the century

Marks from within

I remember being pregnant with Lily.
Ricky adored all the changes going on within my body as I sacrificed so much emotionally, and physically for our baby girl to be born. I remember the look in his eyes as he told me in all seriousness how much he valued the stretch marks that began to appear. He knew they were a sign that our baby girl was healthy and growing. He also understood they represented the the dedication I had to our home and family.
He really helped me embrace the new changes I was going through during that new and interesting change of life. He has held my hand through difficult self discovery of becoming a new parent.


Taffy Broadesser-Akner wrote an article "Dancing with the scars" about trying to belly dance shortly after her son was born.
She describes coming to class and putting on a scarf  trimmed with medal charms meant to make twinkly music when you dance. When she began to shake her hips it only reminded her of a clunky cowbell - trying to alert people to get out of the way when she moved toward them.
Pregnancy had done it's thing, but she was trying not to let it get her down.

"Despite my efforts, you can't actually see my abdomen doing anything. My muscles were so disengaged ... my stomach hasn't learned to move along with me yet. It's as if there are two of me: the one undulating beneath, and the one standing still outside.
"I want to stop and explain myself, ... I can't, it would take too much energy. I'm exhausted from pretending life is normal with a newborn. ... I'm exhausted from the sheer amount of energy it has taken to fuel this hatred for my new body.
"As I'm devising a graceful exit (the teacher) says to us, 'I want all of you to find yourselves beautiful' I look in the mirror and see that tears have sprung to my eyes.
"(As I continued to search) there were parts that remained unchanged - my sparkly eyes, dimpled cheeks...

"And so I did it. I found myself. And then I found myself beautiful."

"Afterword I reached for my trusty stretch-mark cream, but I paused as it dawned on me: Stretch marks are not only at your skin's surface. They come from within. Just like strength. Just like fortitude. Just like beauty. And just like my infant son.

"(I wished) that one day I'd look as if I'd never been pregnant. The only problem was I had been pregnant. Pregnancy changed me. Shouldn't it, though? And shouldn't it leave a mark on me physically?

"(Belly-dancing) reshaped my attitude. It taught me that, like the stretch marks, ... change would come from deep within me. It was time to (re)acquaint myself. First with hesitation, but finally, with awe."

Three Groups of Mothers

I got to examine an interesting group of mothers this week.
I'll group them into three stereo-types for time sake.
1) Mothers with one small child.
2) Mothers with several small children growing up at once.
3) Mothers with teenage children, slowly moving toward empty nesting.

Each group had a it's own philosophy on parenting,
and time commitment inside the home.

Which speaks volumes about their understanding of the vital role they play in God's plan.

If Group 1 asked Group 3 how parenting roles change as their children get older, Group 3 would probably reply, "It's a different kind of busy."

Group 1 - commonly in their 20s, have gone through changes quickly -
1) Single life
2) Newly wed
3) First time moms
The group of women I surrounded myself with were all the types that took pride in saying,
"Look! I can be the same person I have always been, even with my baby in-tow."
We push ourselves to be involved in community activities, and make time for events outside the home even when it's a little difficult to juggle all the tasks at once.
We exchange stories about how well our children adapted when they have to sleep at an outdoor concert, drive in the car for hours, or spend a day without us when we needed to take them to a baby sitter.

Group 2 - Have children involved heavily in school, after school activities, talent building opportunities, etc. These moms spend colossal amounts of time assisting in homework and teaching kids organization, structure, and how to do chores.
I find many of these moms stay at home 70% - 80% of the time. They make very few community commitments, and may say they have few "free-time" hours. Obviously this requires a lot of personal sacrifice.

Group 3 - These women are heavily involved in theater groups, community fund raisers, activist groups, writing, going to sports games, etc. and appear to be very heavily involved in church service. They are learning to let go, yet still struggling to find a balance between being available to their children to establish deep lines of communication and trust. They tag along and try new things with their teenagers. I think inside they have been dying to try new things, and are finally receiving the independence from their family to develop their own talents. These women organize family matters from the sidelines. Most of them are told what activities will be going on that week, and they learn to be flexible and throw car keys across the room when someone is in a hurry.

There seems to be a very strong paradigm shift for mothers

as they enter into phase 2 of life.

yeah - woh! This is my epiphany. 

There is a huge level of commitment when a woman decided to take that first leap and have a child. There is an even greater commitment and sacrifice for a mother who declares they will now be -
"A - STAY - AT - HOME - MOM" in every sense of the word.
They give up what the world thinks they should become.
They conform to what they want their children to become.
They make a defined, difficult, "slam-my-fist-on-the-table" decision*.
These moms choose to be mentally engaged in their children's lives.

Group 2 - Says, "something has got to give." They suddenly feel like the activities they had previously been involved in actually bring a false sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

Maybe for me personally, this "ideal" image of motherhood came from examining women from Group 3.... not from introspection of the literal and legitimate needs of my own family.
More realistically I think most mothers in Group1 have not had enough personal exposure to what their personality will be like as a mother, therefore, occasionally mimic the example of others.

Group 3 has it figured out.

         Because...

They've invested years into making their family what it is today.
Their children have invested years into becoming realistic, independent, and capable to take on leadership.
... oh and let's not forget... all of them are out of diapers. *sigh*

I'm entering my transition phase...

And I'm trying to keep my line of sighy forward onto all the blessings that are obviously there for me as I sit down and really teach my children. I want to avoid thinking about the "change" from one phase/group to another and just embrace the person I'm becoming, while looking forward to the adventure Group 3 will afford me, in due time, when I've achieved that plateau of progress as a natural consequence of dedication to my family.

* I also know women in Group 2 that chose to work full time as their epiphanal moment, in exchange for more freedom with their kids during Group 3's stage of life. There are many varying circumstances that are correct.

Fighting me, Codename - 11:40

We (meaning Lily) are still dealing with a few jealousy issues adjusting to the new sister.
We have a emergency code named 11:40 in our house these days.
 Same time everyday. That's when everything breaks loose.
Sometimes a code - 11:40 also takes place when we are in a rush to get somewhere.

MELTDOWN

Church is a great example.

"11:40 Mayday I repeat 11:40. Tawny has a poopy!  

(unbuckle her from the car seat) 

Pullout, Pullout - this girl needs a new dress!"

Good ol' 11:40
Tawny usually starts fussing, trying to take a nap....
Lily can't be patient about anything, and becomes jealous of me holding the baby.

Today, she began to hit. She couldn't stop hitting. I've never seen her like this before.
I tried to move her so she wouldn't hurt the baby. She fell, got a fat lip. - it was horrible.
She screamed so loud the baby stopped in shock, then they were both screaming.
Then we were all crying.

Lily wouldn't stop. She kept hitting. My arm and leg began to bruise.
"Please go away. You have to leave me alone" I tried to speak calmly at first.
I was so exhausted I couldn't lift a finger to defend myself. I sat in the chair, holding the screaming baby while my own daughter had her way in anger.

Lily's lip became more swollen as the blood pumped to her face. She began hyperventilating.
I was too tired, everything was lined with black.
I laid the baby down in a safe place. "You have to leave. You have to get your dad. Wake up your dad" I begged with tears in my eyes. Tunnel vision. I couldn't see anything.

I left the house and went far far away to a sunny spot.
I closed my eyes.
Everything behind my eyelids turned black, then red, orange, black, green.... black.....

When I came into the house again Tawny had cried herself to sleep.
Lily was still hyperventilating. She ran into my arms and hugged me so tight.
"I was fighting you." She was perplexed at her own behavior.
We hugged and talked about it.

I've never been so scared before.
I had moments like this with my own mother... but never as a mother.
It hurts.Very, very bad.

I've had to find a different form of forgiveness.
I feel a new state of being.
Lily and I grew so much closer together today.

This was a real human experience.
Raw.
Instinctive.
Deafeningly loud.

I am a different person today than I was yesterday.

.... and this is only the beginning.

Lily's Bedtime Story

Wednesday night my 2 year old woke up from a nightmare and came to get me.
Despite the sacrifice, I find these moments to be so rewarding.
I tried to rock her back to sleep.
She began telling me a story...

Abby and Elmo were walking in the middle of the road. Eric said, "no don't do that!". It began to rain and Abby was so afraid. She prayed for help and that Holy Ghost helped her heart feel safe again.
Elmo was so scared of that thunder, then God said "No guys, it's ok - I'll show you that thunder ok?"

So then they went to Uncle Jake's house and the hairy scary monster came. He had a stuffy head all full of cold. He sneezed ALL OVER Eric's face! There was boogers all over him, but I STILL thought he was cute, so I ran and HID under the curtain!

Eric counted 1...2...3.... - 20 and came and got me! Ahhhh!
I ruuuuned around, and spin into the light. I was so shy at Eric for being cute! Ahhh!


Then the Hairy Scary Monster put beach balls up his nose so he can't have boogers to come out, and he fit all the way up into that bird house! This was the end.

I'm so glad I go to be awake for that.
Even better... I'm glad I felt mentally and emotionally engaged for this moment.
I connected with my daughter, despite my exhaustion*  




* exhaustion = which can sometimes create a false sense of depression or emotional numbness.

Quick, do something!

I used to be a busy FREAK.
A productaholic.
A non stop control train of doom.
Impulsively constructive, to the point to destruction.
..... catch my drift?

Funny thing - I realize now... I wasn't actually living experiencing life at all.
I was multitasking myself out of existence, and my dishes were still dirty!
.... I was too mentally shot to actually DO them, not just think about hurrying to get them done.

A friend of mine refers to our kind as, "exotic flowers, who need exotic nourishment". (love that, btw.)
Occasionally we began lamenting to each other about how busy we had been. She explained that she had set a goal to devote 30 minuets of uninterrupted time with her child, no matter what the cost.


Initially I got excited about the commitment. I wanted to double check that I was at least spending that much time with my daughter.
So I did, even if it meant I set the timer, sat on the floor and let her climb all over me as I stared at the wall in an exhausted pile. The phone rings off the hook, it doesn't matter. I read the books and did everything she'd been asking for all morning.

I reported to my husband that it was going really well. I was consistent therefore, feeling like a better mommy.
He was shocked.
"You actually have to focus that hard on engaging in parenthood?"
 No, no, no - it wasn't that. I fulfill her requests all day long... while I juggle a hundred things on the side.
I was not neglecting my child. I just wasn't growing up with her.

After much thought, and psychological counseling from my husband, this exercise taught me that these 30 minuet moments were a form of meditation.
I stretched my imagination. I'm learning to place leads on my brain and redirect it where I see necessary for my brain to be, when I say it should be there. I just happened to use my child as the excuse to regain my life back. Thank you for everything you do for me, Lily.

I started to notice a burden lifted and a huge sense of peace. The relaxation became so addicting I started pushing myself more and more. I would leave our little tea party, going back to my paperwork with a feeling like I had been to the spa.

Why would I wreck that by making my mind scrambled eggs again?
HA! At first it felt like sitting for 30 minuets was the scrambled egg effect... but that wasn't reality.
I would challenge myself to keep the calm, guided, simple process of thought for an extra 15 minuets, then 40 minuets - and so on.

Putting a road block on Mortgage thoughts, bank phone calls, deadlines for weddings I was helping to plan, research on parenting, etc, etc... became easy! After a year and a half... I was telling stories about the Hairy, scary monster blowing his nose into a beach towel. -- it ain't no thang!


I didn't want to stop being a kid again.

I canceled my life. So I could Live my life.

- It took discipline.
- It took Prayer.
- It took beating myself over the head with guilt and feelings of inadequacy when I "sat around" all day.
- It took leaning on my husband to make dinner and encourage my pursuit of "nothingness".
- It took 3 years of reprogramming my feelings and assumptions of  supposed "obligations".

I realized, line upon line - that I AM doing the right thing when I tell others no.

I fought long and hard for the night time rocking, bed time stories, and picnics at the lake!
I fought long and hard for the naps I've earned today!
I fought long and hard to make myself really focus on the moment when I'm wiping away a tear.
I fought long and hard to understand the whisperings of my daughter's heart as she said her prayers at night.

And....

I am not regretting it.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day                                    May 8, 2011

Today wasn't a great day.
Church was over the top wonderful!
.... but getting there *sigh* it was the worst day with two kids I've has thus far.
I should be grateful that I got to sleep in (thanks to a wonderful husband keeping things under control). Getting up later than you anticipated means working twice as hard to get out the door for church.

Tawny screamed a horrible, neglected cry I've never even heard before :(
We were out of milk, so I ate my cereal with water in it.
I'm lucky I got to brush my teeth.
I put some makeup on in the car while I was driving.
When we all jumped in to leave, Ricky turned to me and said "Happy Mother's Day!"
I actually wanted to beat him up for being sarcastic... then I realized he always has the best intentions, so I took a deep breath and thanked him for trying.

We had some good laughs in Sunday school. As always, someone got off on a stupid unrelated tangent. Ricky and I snickered and told jokes about people walking into bars under our breath. We made faces at Tawny as she rolled around on the blanket and grinned.
In Sacrament meeting the speaker had a thick cowboy accent. He was suppose to be telling a touching story about a Mother who was hidden and rescued from trials. He said "He hit ‘er fer three months, after that she....." that was it for me. I couldn't stop laughing.

I got three carnations (in my favorite colors) from the bishopric, a bag of homemade chocolates that I helped make with the Young Women, a heart shaped box of chocolate from the primary kids, a few cards and a letter from Mandy P. She really makes my days special :) I'm so proud of the woman she's become.

I brought home some flowers and a few things for my mommy. I was really disappointed she was out celebrating somewhere with my dad. It was hard for me to be away from her today.

Ricky had to sleep most of the day. I don't always like having a husband on graveyard shift. It puts a damper on 90% of social events and makes it a little more challenging for our emotional needs to always be met. I wanted to spend time with him on "my" holiday. He said he plans to wait for another time this week.

I cleaned most of the day and tried to fold the mountain of laundry that's been eating me alive mentally for the last two weeks. Part of me felt so sad that I spent Mother's Day doing the work load of any other day. But, I suppose I chose that... since I didn't want to put it off for another day.

I might be starting to get postpartum blues? Tawny is 3 months old now. I'm noticing some weird moods, more lethargic than normal and I'm having a hard time springing back after something disappoints me. I'm sure some of it will be resolved with sleep. Some of it seems to be coming from a strange place in the back of my mind when the forefront of my emotions are very pleasant, which leads me to believe it's only chemical and nothing to worry about or dwell on. Time will tell I suppose.

I'm ready to start filling in my schedule again and get busy with the things I miss (scrap booking, gym, singing, theater planning, and so forth.)

I've been inspired by Tawny to interact with her more. She's staying awake more during the day and she makes some great little cooing sounds. I sure love her. Some days I think she's growing up so much faster than Lily did, sometimes I'm really grateful she's growing up slower.

Lily had a hard time getting along with a classmate in nursery today. For the first time, I felt deeply concerned for the trails she was having. I felt sorry she had a ruff day.
It's cool to have new experiences along with my kids as they grow and have different development styles.

Grateful that Heavenly Father allowed me to become a Mommy,
It's still been a fun day to reflect on the miracle of becoming a mom.
Katie

Owning a Toddler Quiz -

Before owning your own toddler, please consider the following - 

• How many decibels do I prefer my background noise to be?

• Do I enjoy repetitive conversations such as:

"Do you like Yellow?"
"Oh, yes I like Yellow."
"I like Yellow too!"

• Do I enjoy repetitive conversations while disguising my voice as a stuffed pig?

• How well can I put on panties? Well enough to teach it in less than 15 words?

I distinctly remember saying, "Please, put them in the hamper."

• How do I cope in awkward situations? Such as:

Toddler to neighbor - "My mommy kills me to the bedroom"
Mom interjects, "She said Carry, I CARRY her.... I swear!"
or
Toddler to stranger - "My mommy poops cheese rocks! eeeewwww!"
Mommy interjects, "She means constipation... It's a long story ... never mind."

• How much do I value my personal belongings? 

ie: lipstick, mascara, chocolate, loan papers, important photos, journals, unmentionables that happen to get mixed into the same pile of laundry as "floppy bunny".

Lily's face covered in mascara

• How impatient do I become after cleaning up the same spill three times?

What are my views on spanking, time-outs, yelling and so forth?
How committed am I to these morals REALLY?!

• Do I enjoy going for a nice run?

Do I still hold running in the same regard when it's negative 22 outside, in my PJ's with no time for shoes?
Does running make me feel uncomfortable when I'm being mocked or laughed at?

• How do my knees and back hold up after a long day at work?

Does my job consist of bending and or lifting approximately every 10-30 min?

• Am I bothered by strong odors? Or the look of human excrement on my tile?

Freshly cleaned potties & floor after toddler spills full cup of urine from mini toilet.

• How many hours of sleep do I need on average?
• Am I a morning person?
• How do I respond to early wake up calls?

Toddler - "Mommy I put that book in the trash can"
Mom - "What book honey?"
Toddler - "It had pages out"
Mom - "What pages out?"
Toddler - "I rip that page out"
Mom - "What did the book look like?"
Toddler - "Does it have numbers on it"
MY TAXES?! - Your morning is over.

• How articulate and cleanly am I when working with art supplies?

• What are my thoughts and impressions when I find Fried chicken grease dripping down my arm during a meal?
• Do I find my eye twitching when I see someone with Broccoli in their teeth?

• Am I picky about household order? 

ie: Kitchen towel must hang from the stove, The butter stick must contain zero bite marks, the lid must remain on the sugar jar when not in use, no plastic in or around the toaster, toilet paper must unroll from the top, beds must be made daily, etc?


If you chose:

Mostly Wincing - 
If you've answered any of these negatively in your mind, you may not be prepared to become a mother.
See - It doesn't matter how little sleep you're running off of, how many times you've repeated yourself during the day, or how many loads of laundry you've done to catch up on messes. If you raise your voice or show your impatience in the slightest, you are crushing the self esteem of your child. They will run and cry.

Mostly Positive / laughter - 
You may not have what it takes to maintain consistency during times when discipline is necessary. Keeping a straight face while your child is consuming lard coated ca-ca is difficult, but if you crack - The naughty thing only becomes a recursive cycle, also called "a game".
(see question: "Do I enjoy repetitive conversations while disguising my voice as a stuffed pig?" 
and "How impatient do I become after cleaning up the same spill three times?")

Mostly feelings of anxiety -  
 There is an alternative option for you. It's called starting from the beginning. Newborns at their best sleep approximately 16 hours a day, have low caloric intake, and only need to be checked on every 2 hours or so.

Side effects include - 

Looking like This:

Morning Sickness

Then looking like this:

Me on my Due Date, baby #2

Before you can look like THIS while holding your baby!:

oops... wrong ideal image