Quote: charitable instincts

Follow your charitable instincts,
God is talking through you.

Quote - Our deepest fear

A quote that has been my mantra this month. It has been the driving force behind all that I'm planing into my life on a daily basis, and everything I'm hoping to become for my future.
This quote has re-difined who I am as I person and is the mission statement for the thought process on which I have based almost all my choices in life. Until now, I have not been able to put it into words.
I bring it up at this time to inspire myself (I read it almost daily) to stick the the path that is not always easy to choose. I need to continue shaping and re-difinging myself to reach my greatest potential.

Now - I dedicate this to my dear friend Remi, in his time of need.
I've placed this in an easy accessible spot for frequent re-reading. I hope this will become the cliff ledge that helps you quit holding on, and finally climb to the top like you've long deserved.
Much love,
Katie

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. 

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.

We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Pointless Street Flyers

Brilliant Street Flyers

Click here for link

Mothers: Planting the seed of wisdom

I commonly hear my peers, and myself (gals in their 20s) using phrases like,
"I never learned to...."
"My parents never taught me..."
"I wish I would have known..."

As I have become a parent, I've rolled around my life experiences over and over in a new light. Suddenly - there are two sides to every story. Why my mom had me avoid certain situations because of social "dos and don'ts", when I only thought she was being unfair and hampering my independence, or why she used specific wording when describing something important.
I've reviewed the past, questioning every motive behind all the parenting decisions she made on my behalf.
Where they fell short for my personality type and not my brother's, what my mom supposedly "lacked" in her tremendous outpouring of sacrifice and giving to me.

Then I have these amazing moments where the pieces of the puzzle fit together, and I can get the healing from resentment that I've longed for.

The newest discovery came from talking to a complete stranger about my pain, while in a waiting room at the temple. I was resenting the way my mother helped me learn a few things, when it occurred to me that with MY own children - I'm constantly being told at the very moment, the things that I should do for them. I'm inspired by God (commonly known as - mommy intuition) what to say, how to phrase it, what to teach and when. How could I ever believe that my mom was not the same way? Now, I let the small stuff fly - maybe I let my kids play in the toilet during an important phone call - but I NEVER fail to insist on correct principals when the time is right, and the effects are far reaching.

Then as my two year old was going from one activity to another, messing everything up along the way I thought.... "Don't put her in time-out for the 10th time this hour. Pick your battles and relax." feeling confident that the learning experience would present itself again in the future.

I have to make every opportunity count.
But there is so much to teach!

My own children will have their list of imperfections about my ability to aid them in all the answers too.

Some concepts can only be experienced. Things like money management were concepts that I couldn't begin to comprehend until I moved out on my own and learned what it felt like to starve. Other principals came naturally by explanation and example.

How could I honestly say "My mother never taught me to ... _____ ..."

.... so it occured to me,

- she planted the seed.

 

She knew what she was doing, and that it would take root in it's own proper time. She was wise, patient and walked with quiet reassurance from a higher power that she was doing the right thing.

"I never learned....."

because the root had to take - at it's own pace.

I thank my mom for planting the seed.

Hidden Accessory High

Life is more exciting when you wear

9 pairs of panties

Before I Became A Mother....

I never realized how beautiful weeds could be.....

I had never held a baby hippo before......

I never went "running into a coupon" during a sunset....

I never had tongue marks in my butter....

I never thought an umbrella was worth packing....

I never laughed so much at a fish.....

My heart never melted when I heard the words "up, up!"....

I never worried about the chance of survival in negative 38 degree weather....

Never knew a baby could fit inside a snow shovel....

That I really do mean the world to someone else....

I never learned to braid.....

Or use a curling iron on fine hair....

I had never hung such miraculous art work....

Or been so disappointed when it got eated.....

Never knew what a REAL pizza should look like....

I never used to get dressed up to go to the mail box....

I never used to find stickers in my toaster ether.....

I never knew a "pum pum" could wrap up so much joy.....

Or that my shoes could be a train station....

I never learned the best secrets to hide-and-seek....

Or realized soap whiskers could make such a great bed time distraction.....

That the best TV pals are farm animals....

And that M&Ms can be used as face paint....

I never realized I would have such a great father for my children....

That my babies will always stay my babies.....

That peanut butter tastes better on your fingers....

Or that Ice cream is better from the cone first....

That clay monsters could open a doorway to my heart....

buh buh buh moment of the century

Quote

 

"We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God." Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

Photo.... SHOOT!

The baby I was having a photo shoot with......

The "lion" who launched a surprise attack.

                                                                                                   

Tawny's next milestone...... counter attack .....

How Lucky am I?

How lucky am I to get chubby little legs to kiss? 

Dimpled fingers to hold?

 Tawny Lynn - 4 months

- quote inspired from this post.

Marks from within

I remember being pregnant with Lily.
Ricky adored all the changes going on within my body as I sacrificed so much emotionally, and physically for our baby girl to be born. I remember the look in his eyes as he told me in all seriousness how much he valued the stretch marks that began to appear. He knew they were a sign that our baby girl was healthy and growing. He also understood they represented the the dedication I had to our home and family.
He really helped me embrace the new changes I was going through during that new and interesting change of life. He has held my hand through difficult self discovery of becoming a new parent.


Taffy Broadesser-Akner wrote an article "Dancing with the scars" about trying to belly dance shortly after her son was born.
She describes coming to class and putting on a scarf  trimmed with medal charms meant to make twinkly music when you dance. When she began to shake her hips it only reminded her of a clunky cowbell - trying to alert people to get out of the way when she moved toward them.
Pregnancy had done it's thing, but she was trying not to let it get her down.

"Despite my efforts, you can't actually see my abdomen doing anything. My muscles were so disengaged ... my stomach hasn't learned to move along with me yet. It's as if there are two of me: the one undulating beneath, and the one standing still outside.
"I want to stop and explain myself, ... I can't, it would take too much energy. I'm exhausted from pretending life is normal with a newborn. ... I'm exhausted from the sheer amount of energy it has taken to fuel this hatred for my new body.
"As I'm devising a graceful exit (the teacher) says to us, 'I want all of you to find yourselves beautiful' I look in the mirror and see that tears have sprung to my eyes.
"(As I continued to search) there were parts that remained unchanged - my sparkly eyes, dimpled cheeks...

"And so I did it. I found myself. And then I found myself beautiful."

"Afterword I reached for my trusty stretch-mark cream, but I paused as it dawned on me: Stretch marks are not only at your skin's surface. They come from within. Just like strength. Just like fortitude. Just like beauty. And just like my infant son.

"(I wished) that one day I'd look as if I'd never been pregnant. The only problem was I had been pregnant. Pregnancy changed me. Shouldn't it, though? And shouldn't it leave a mark on me physically?

"(Belly-dancing) reshaped my attitude. It taught me that, like the stretch marks, ... change would come from deep within me. It was time to (re)acquaint myself. First with hesitation, but finally, with awe."

My Mirror's Reflections

Cathy Ann Johnson - Artist for the the children's book, "The Girl's in the Circle" Spend countless giggly hours playing dress up in from of the mirror. She said,

"Oh, If only we could replay the reflections in the mirror!"

I thought about the high traffic mirrors of my childhood and adult years.
My secrets are hidden within these mirrors.

 What would they replay?

Moments of laughing and giggling with my friends.
Moments of lust and vanity about my own appearance...
Moments of pep-talks, "I should have told that guy to get a life!"...
Moments of harsh judgements against my myself....
Moments of inadequacy, depression, numbness, when I didn't recognize myself....
Moments I embraced before a school dance...
Moments when I laughed at my brother, who made faces behind me...
Moments were I recognized my mother's traits, like her soft eyes that had been built into my physique...
Moments of holding my new born baby and smiling with joy at my traits built into her physique...
Moments when I recognized a piece of God, my creator, in me...

I used to spend heart-to-heart moments with my favorite dog, Puppy, in front of the mirror.

My most vivid secret mirror memory comes from the vanity set we had downstairs growing up. When my grandpa died I went down to that personal spot and cried my heart out to the mirror that day. How I would miss him, how I was hurting, and how I truly felt about my beloved grandpa.

 If only we could replay the reflections in the mirror...

Three Groups of Mothers

I got to examine an interesting group of mothers this week.
I'll group them into three stereo-types for time sake.
1) Mothers with one small child.
2) Mothers with several small children growing up at once.
3) Mothers with teenage children, slowly moving toward empty nesting.

Each group had a it's own philosophy on parenting,
and time commitment inside the home.

Which speaks volumes about their understanding of the vital role they play in God's plan.

If Group 1 asked Group 3 how parenting roles change as their children get older, Group 3 would probably reply, "It's a different kind of busy."

Group 1 - commonly in their 20s, have gone through changes quickly -
1) Single life
2) Newly wed
3) First time moms
The group of women I surrounded myself with were all the types that took pride in saying,
"Look! I can be the same person I have always been, even with my baby in-tow."
We push ourselves to be involved in community activities, and make time for events outside the home even when it's a little difficult to juggle all the tasks at once.
We exchange stories about how well our children adapted when they have to sleep at an outdoor concert, drive in the car for hours, or spend a day without us when we needed to take them to a baby sitter.

Group 2 - Have children involved heavily in school, after school activities, talent building opportunities, etc. These moms spend colossal amounts of time assisting in homework and teaching kids organization, structure, and how to do chores.
I find many of these moms stay at home 70% - 80% of the time. They make very few community commitments, and may say they have few "free-time" hours. Obviously this requires a lot of personal sacrifice.

Group 3 - These women are heavily involved in theater groups, community fund raisers, activist groups, writing, going to sports games, etc. and appear to be very heavily involved in church service. They are learning to let go, yet still struggling to find a balance between being available to their children to establish deep lines of communication and trust. They tag along and try new things with their teenagers. I think inside they have been dying to try new things, and are finally receiving the independence from their family to develop their own talents. These women organize family matters from the sidelines. Most of them are told what activities will be going on that week, and they learn to be flexible and throw car keys across the room when someone is in a hurry.

There seems to be a very strong paradigm shift for mothers

as they enter into phase 2 of life.

yeah - woh! This is my epiphany. 

There is a huge level of commitment when a woman decided to take that first leap and have a child. There is an even greater commitment and sacrifice for a mother who declares they will now be -
"A - STAY - AT - HOME - MOM" in every sense of the word.
They give up what the world thinks they should become.
They conform to what they want their children to become.
They make a defined, difficult, "slam-my-fist-on-the-table" decision*.
These moms choose to be mentally engaged in their children's lives.

Group 2 - Says, "something has got to give." They suddenly feel like the activities they had previously been involved in actually bring a false sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

Maybe for me personally, this "ideal" image of motherhood came from examining women from Group 3.... not from introspection of the literal and legitimate needs of my own family.
More realistically I think most mothers in Group1 have not had enough personal exposure to what their personality will be like as a mother, therefore, occasionally mimic the example of others.

Group 3 has it figured out.

         Because...

They've invested years into making their family what it is today.
Their children have invested years into becoming realistic, independent, and capable to take on leadership.
... oh and let's not forget... all of them are out of diapers. *sigh*

I'm entering my transition phase...

And I'm trying to keep my line of sighy forward onto all the blessings that are obviously there for me as I sit down and really teach my children. I want to avoid thinking about the "change" from one phase/group to another and just embrace the person I'm becoming, while looking forward to the adventure Group 3 will afford me, in due time, when I've achieved that plateau of progress as a natural consequence of dedication to my family.

* I also know women in Group 2 that chose to work full time as their epiphanal moment, in exchange for more freedom with their kids during Group 3's stage of life. There are many varying circumstances that are correct.

Fighting me, Codename - 11:40

We (meaning Lily) are still dealing with a few jealousy issues adjusting to the new sister.
We have a emergency code named 11:40 in our house these days.
 Same time everyday. That's when everything breaks loose.
Sometimes a code - 11:40 also takes place when we are in a rush to get somewhere.

MELTDOWN

Church is a great example.

"11:40 Mayday I repeat 11:40. Tawny has a poopy!  

(unbuckle her from the car seat) 

Pullout, Pullout - this girl needs a new dress!"

Good ol' 11:40
Tawny usually starts fussing, trying to take a nap....
Lily can't be patient about anything, and becomes jealous of me holding the baby.

Today, she began to hit. She couldn't stop hitting. I've never seen her like this before.
I tried to move her so she wouldn't hurt the baby. She fell, got a fat lip. - it was horrible.
She screamed so loud the baby stopped in shock, then they were both screaming.
Then we were all crying.

Lily wouldn't stop. She kept hitting. My arm and leg began to bruise.
"Please go away. You have to leave me alone" I tried to speak calmly at first.
I was so exhausted I couldn't lift a finger to defend myself. I sat in the chair, holding the screaming baby while my own daughter had her way in anger.

Lily's lip became more swollen as the blood pumped to her face. She began hyperventilating.
I was too tired, everything was lined with black.
I laid the baby down in a safe place. "You have to leave. You have to get your dad. Wake up your dad" I begged with tears in my eyes. Tunnel vision. I couldn't see anything.

I left the house and went far far away to a sunny spot.
I closed my eyes.
Everything behind my eyelids turned black, then red, orange, black, green.... black.....

When I came into the house again Tawny had cried herself to sleep.
Lily was still hyperventilating. She ran into my arms and hugged me so tight.
"I was fighting you." She was perplexed at her own behavior.
We hugged and talked about it.

I've never been so scared before.
I had moments like this with my own mother... but never as a mother.
It hurts.Very, very bad.

I've had to find a different form of forgiveness.
I feel a new state of being.
Lily and I grew so much closer together today.

This was a real human experience.
Raw.
Instinctive.
Deafeningly loud.

I am a different person today than I was yesterday.

.... and this is only the beginning.

Lily's Bedtime Story

Wednesday night my 2 year old woke up from a nightmare and came to get me.
Despite the sacrifice, I find these moments to be so rewarding.
I tried to rock her back to sleep.
She began telling me a story...

Abby and Elmo were walking in the middle of the road. Eric said, "no don't do that!". It began to rain and Abby was so afraid. She prayed for help and that Holy Ghost helped her heart feel safe again.
Elmo was so scared of that thunder, then God said "No guys, it's ok - I'll show you that thunder ok?"

So then they went to Uncle Jake's house and the hairy scary monster came. He had a stuffy head all full of cold. He sneezed ALL OVER Eric's face! There was boogers all over him, but I STILL thought he was cute, so I ran and HID under the curtain!

Eric counted 1...2...3.... - 20 and came and got me! Ahhhh!
I ruuuuned around, and spin into the light. I was so shy at Eric for being cute! Ahhh!


Then the Hairy Scary Monster put beach balls up his nose so he can't have boogers to come out, and he fit all the way up into that bird house! This was the end.

I'm so glad I go to be awake for that.
Even better... I'm glad I felt mentally and emotionally engaged for this moment.
I connected with my daughter, despite my exhaustion*  




* exhaustion = which can sometimes create a false sense of depression or emotional numbness.