Mothers: Planting the seed of wisdom

I commonly hear my peers, and myself (gals in their 20s) using phrases like,
"I never learned to...."
"My parents never taught me..."
"I wish I would have known..."

As I have become a parent, I've rolled around my life experiences over and over in a new light. Suddenly - there are two sides to every story. Why my mom had me avoid certain situations because of social "dos and don'ts", when I only thought she was being unfair and hampering my independence, or why she used specific wording when describing something important.
I've reviewed the past, questioning every motive behind all the parenting decisions she made on my behalf.
Where they fell short for my personality type and not my brother's, what my mom supposedly "lacked" in her tremendous outpouring of sacrifice and giving to me.

Then I have these amazing moments where the pieces of the puzzle fit together, and I can get the healing from resentment that I've longed for.

The newest discovery came from talking to a complete stranger about my pain, while in a waiting room at the temple. I was resenting the way my mother helped me learn a few things, when it occurred to me that with MY own children - I'm constantly being told at the very moment, the things that I should do for them. I'm inspired by God (commonly known as - mommy intuition) what to say, how to phrase it, what to teach and when. How could I ever believe that my mom was not the same way? Now, I let the small stuff fly - maybe I let my kids play in the toilet during an important phone call - but I NEVER fail to insist on correct principals when the time is right, and the effects are far reaching.

Then as my two year old was going from one activity to another, messing everything up along the way I thought.... "Don't put her in time-out for the 10th time this hour. Pick your battles and relax." feeling confident that the learning experience would present itself again in the future.

I have to make every opportunity count.
But there is so much to teach!

My own children will have their list of imperfections about my ability to aid them in all the answers too.

Some concepts can only be experienced. Things like money management were concepts that I couldn't begin to comprehend until I moved out on my own and learned what it felt like to starve. Other principals came naturally by explanation and example.

How could I honestly say "My mother never taught me to ... _____ ..."

.... so it occured to me,

- she planted the seed.

 

She knew what she was doing, and that it would take root in it's own proper time. She was wise, patient and walked with quiet reassurance from a higher power that she was doing the right thing.

"I never learned....."

because the root had to take - at it's own pace.

I thank my mom for planting the seed.

Wisdom for New Mothers

I've dedicated this post to all women (and a few great dad's) who have inspired this wisdom in me, as well as moms (past/ present and future) in my life.

This link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taDqKWWPDAY&feature=player_embedded

made me think about what I went though mentally as I changed into a mother with my first pregnancy. They asked moms to share a message "what would you say to your pre-mom self if you could go back with the knowledge of today?" I'm still changing as a person with anticipation of my second baby. I thought all of us mommies could benefit from walking down memory lane and share wisdom here.

Here are a few pieces of wisdom I've picked up from blogs:

(in no particular order)

• "It’s ok to feel whatever your feeling; it’s OK not to always feel blissful about being a mom. It’s normal to feel angry, frustrated, and sad sometimes, and that it doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad person – just human. There was plenty of tears and guilt for me when I’d get like that and I think I’d have saved myself a LOT of heartache if I’d just allowed those emotions to be what they were and then let them go, instead of dwelling on them and beating myself up for feeling anything but blissful joy at being a mom."
• "Take things a little easier, love ourselves for who we are and remember that there are no rules, just our hearts and our minds to guide us."
• “You will mess up. And it will be OK anyway.”
• “You can embrace the unknown”
• "Don’t compare yourself to other mothers. We are all making it up as we go along."
• “Life gets incredibly happy when you really learn how to love someone else”
• "Changing a baby in a public restroom is difficult. So is washing your hands while holding a newborn."
• "When you have a newborn, you can miss your husband even if he's sitting in the same room as you are."

The last few are taken from this cute post from a new mom-

http://soimgoingtobeamom.blogspot.com/2010/09/free-adorable-well-mannered-baby-boy.html

A few I received when becoming a new mom:

• Monkey see, Monkey do - Monkey we love you! ...... Baby see, baby do- Baby we love you!
• Even though you love your baby, sometimes you get tired. It's OK to put her in a crib and take a break. Say a prayer, come back later.
• Always ask your friends for help. Have a friend take baby if you need a break- Just do it! Accept help even when you feel you don't need it at THAT moment - it will recharge your batteries for later.
• Teach baby to clean early in life, then she will always be willing to help.
• Pray often and put the baby into the Lord's hands.
• Hold her when she cries (terrible twos) even when your instincts tell you to to discipline. It will catch her off guard and build trust.
• Sleep when baby sleeps. In later years you'll never regret letting the laundry go, but you'll always regret letting your baby go.
• "Spoiled" is not a lack of fun and love but instead a state of no boundaries.

Wisdom I received from my Father-In-Law:

• Kiss your kids, hug them and tell them every day that you love them.
• Love your husband and date him, and allow him to spoil you.
• Find honest excuses to sincerely praise your kids every day.
• Never, ever spank your kids; there is usually a better way.
• Never yell at your kids, if you can possibly avoid it, especially in public.
• Go on one-on-one mother-kid dates with each child every month.
• Have Family Home Evening every week, if possible.
• If you want your kids to learn a gospel principal or a golden rule, you live it first.
• Make sure your kids to their chores, rather than doing them yourself.
• Don't force your kids to do anything.
• Bribery can be an effective tool.
• Spend lots of time with your kids outdoors.
• Make sure your kids see your happy face more than they see your grumpy face.
• Listen to your kids more than you lecture them.
• Allow your kids to be kids; tell them "ok" and "yes" a lot more than you tell them "don't" and "no".
• From the very start, help your kids understand that missions and college etc- are simply a part of life, not an optional extra.
• Make your home a place of music and laughter.

A few of my thoughts this month:

• Don't expect anything and you'll never be disappointed. If your kids chose to be obedient praise them and praise yourself for being an effective communicator. Never take for grated the times they feel like being helpful.
• There is nothing effective about letting your child see you angry. It takes the attention off of their behavior and places it on your emotions- what a show! ie: Lily pretends she's going to climb back up onto that chair just to see my face go from happy to angry in a split second. She never learned that I care for her safety, she just learned I'm a great clown :)
• Why do we help clean? That's a way she show love to each other. Why don't we hit? Because that's not a love language. There is no other power struggle or words needed to describe the difference between good behavior and poor behavior. Christ taught "If you love me, keep my commandments". If we love each other we show it by being a team and thinking before we speak.
• I will always say please and thank you. If I speak as as politely as possible to strangers, there is no reason why my children should get anything less than my best. Every day.
• When I say "NO" I want an immediate reaction from my child. When my child says "NO" I should also stop immediately to show respect to my child by demonstrating the great power that comes from that word.
• I am mother, that does not always give me more authority to push my child around with verbal demands. We are created equal. My child should feel the inner strength that comes from equality at birth.
• If you parent with all your emotions and no logic, you'll be burnt out by lunch time.

A lot of these things apply to marriage, or other relationships we build.

I love my child. I'm so thankful to be entrusted with such great responsibility.

Katie