Fighting me, Codename - 11:40

We (meaning Lily) are still dealing with a few jealousy issues adjusting to the new sister.
We have a emergency code named 11:40 in our house these days.
 Same time everyday. That's when everything breaks loose.
Sometimes a code - 11:40 also takes place when we are in a rush to get somewhere.

MELTDOWN

Church is a great example.

"11:40 Mayday I repeat 11:40. Tawny has a poopy!  

(unbuckle her from the car seat) 

Pullout, Pullout - this girl needs a new dress!"

Good ol' 11:40
Tawny usually starts fussing, trying to take a nap....
Lily can't be patient about anything, and becomes jealous of me holding the baby.

Today, she began to hit. She couldn't stop hitting. I've never seen her like this before.
I tried to move her so she wouldn't hurt the baby. She fell, got a fat lip. - it was horrible.
She screamed so loud the baby stopped in shock, then they were both screaming.
Then we were all crying.

Lily wouldn't stop. She kept hitting. My arm and leg began to bruise.
"Please go away. You have to leave me alone" I tried to speak calmly at first.
I was so exhausted I couldn't lift a finger to defend myself. I sat in the chair, holding the screaming baby while my own daughter had her way in anger.

Lily's lip became more swollen as the blood pumped to her face. She began hyperventilating.
I was too tired, everything was lined with black.
I laid the baby down in a safe place. "You have to leave. You have to get your dad. Wake up your dad" I begged with tears in my eyes. Tunnel vision. I couldn't see anything.

I left the house and went far far away to a sunny spot.
I closed my eyes.
Everything behind my eyelids turned black, then red, orange, black, green.... black.....

When I came into the house again Tawny had cried herself to sleep.
Lily was still hyperventilating. She ran into my arms and hugged me so tight.
"I was fighting you." She was perplexed at her own behavior.
We hugged and talked about it.

I've never been so scared before.
I had moments like this with my own mother... but never as a mother.
It hurts.Very, very bad.

I've had to find a different form of forgiveness.
I feel a new state of being.
Lily and I grew so much closer together today.

This was a real human experience.
Raw.
Instinctive.
Deafeningly loud.

I am a different person today than I was yesterday.

.... and this is only the beginning.