Quote - Our deepest fear

A quote that has been my mantra this month. It has been the driving force behind all that I'm planing into my life on a daily basis, and everything I'm hoping to become for my future.
This quote has re-difined who I am as I person and is the mission statement for the thought process on which I have based almost all my choices in life. Until now, I have not been able to put it into words.
I bring it up at this time to inspire myself (I read it almost daily) to stick the the path that is not always easy to choose. I need to continue shaping and re-difinging myself to reach my greatest potential.

Now - I dedicate this to my dear friend Remi, in his time of need.
I've placed this in an easy accessible spot for frequent re-reading. I hope this will become the cliff ledge that helps you quit holding on, and finally climb to the top like you've long deserved.
Much love,
Katie

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. 

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.

We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Marks from within

I remember being pregnant with Lily.
Ricky adored all the changes going on within my body as I sacrificed so much emotionally, and physically for our baby girl to be born. I remember the look in his eyes as he told me in all seriousness how much he valued the stretch marks that began to appear. He knew they were a sign that our baby girl was healthy and growing. He also understood they represented the the dedication I had to our home and family.
He really helped me embrace the new changes I was going through during that new and interesting change of life. He has held my hand through difficult self discovery of becoming a new parent.


Taffy Broadesser-Akner wrote an article "Dancing with the scars" about trying to belly dance shortly after her son was born.
She describes coming to class and putting on a scarf  trimmed with medal charms meant to make twinkly music when you dance. When she began to shake her hips it only reminded her of a clunky cowbell - trying to alert people to get out of the way when she moved toward them.
Pregnancy had done it's thing, but she was trying not to let it get her down.

"Despite my efforts, you can't actually see my abdomen doing anything. My muscles were so disengaged ... my stomach hasn't learned to move along with me yet. It's as if there are two of me: the one undulating beneath, and the one standing still outside.
"I want to stop and explain myself, ... I can't, it would take too much energy. I'm exhausted from pretending life is normal with a newborn. ... I'm exhausted from the sheer amount of energy it has taken to fuel this hatred for my new body.
"As I'm devising a graceful exit (the teacher) says to us, 'I want all of you to find yourselves beautiful' I look in the mirror and see that tears have sprung to my eyes.
"(As I continued to search) there were parts that remained unchanged - my sparkly eyes, dimpled cheeks...

"And so I did it. I found myself. And then I found myself beautiful."

"Afterword I reached for my trusty stretch-mark cream, but I paused as it dawned on me: Stretch marks are not only at your skin's surface. They come from within. Just like strength. Just like fortitude. Just like beauty. And just like my infant son.

"(I wished) that one day I'd look as if I'd never been pregnant. The only problem was I had been pregnant. Pregnancy changed me. Shouldn't it, though? And shouldn't it leave a mark on me physically?

"(Belly-dancing) reshaped my attitude. It taught me that, like the stretch marks, ... change would come from deep within me. It was time to (re)acquaint myself. First with hesitation, but finally, with awe."

Quick, do something!

I used to be a busy FREAK.
A productaholic.
A non stop control train of doom.
Impulsively constructive, to the point to destruction.
..... catch my drift?

Funny thing - I realize now... I wasn't actually living experiencing life at all.
I was multitasking myself out of existence, and my dishes were still dirty!
.... I was too mentally shot to actually DO them, not just think about hurrying to get them done.

A friend of mine refers to our kind as, "exotic flowers, who need exotic nourishment". (love that, btw.)
Occasionally we began lamenting to each other about how busy we had been. She explained that she had set a goal to devote 30 minuets of uninterrupted time with her child, no matter what the cost.


Initially I got excited about the commitment. I wanted to double check that I was at least spending that much time with my daughter.
So I did, even if it meant I set the timer, sat on the floor and let her climb all over me as I stared at the wall in an exhausted pile. The phone rings off the hook, it doesn't matter. I read the books and did everything she'd been asking for all morning.

I reported to my husband that it was going really well. I was consistent therefore, feeling like a better mommy.
He was shocked.
"You actually have to focus that hard on engaging in parenthood?"
 No, no, no - it wasn't that. I fulfill her requests all day long... while I juggle a hundred things on the side.
I was not neglecting my child. I just wasn't growing up with her.

After much thought, and psychological counseling from my husband, this exercise taught me that these 30 minuet moments were a form of meditation.
I stretched my imagination. I'm learning to place leads on my brain and redirect it where I see necessary for my brain to be, when I say it should be there. I just happened to use my child as the excuse to regain my life back. Thank you for everything you do for me, Lily.

I started to notice a burden lifted and a huge sense of peace. The relaxation became so addicting I started pushing myself more and more. I would leave our little tea party, going back to my paperwork with a feeling like I had been to the spa.

Why would I wreck that by making my mind scrambled eggs again?
HA! At first it felt like sitting for 30 minuets was the scrambled egg effect... but that wasn't reality.
I would challenge myself to keep the calm, guided, simple process of thought for an extra 15 minuets, then 40 minuets - and so on.

Putting a road block on Mortgage thoughts, bank phone calls, deadlines for weddings I was helping to plan, research on parenting, etc, etc... became easy! After a year and a half... I was telling stories about the Hairy, scary monster blowing his nose into a beach towel. -- it ain't no thang!


I didn't want to stop being a kid again.

I canceled my life. So I could Live my life.

- It took discipline.
- It took Prayer.
- It took beating myself over the head with guilt and feelings of inadequacy when I "sat around" all day.
- It took leaning on my husband to make dinner and encourage my pursuit of "nothingness".
- It took 3 years of reprogramming my feelings and assumptions of  supposed "obligations".

I realized, line upon line - that I AM doing the right thing when I tell others no.

I fought long and hard for the night time rocking, bed time stories, and picnics at the lake!
I fought long and hard for the naps I've earned today!
I fought long and hard to make myself really focus on the moment when I'm wiping away a tear.
I fought long and hard to understand the whisperings of my daughter's heart as she said her prayers at night.

And....

I am not regretting it.