I live everyday to the fullest....

I quit smoking over eight years ago.
Today I'm celebrating my first full year without any cravings.

It's something very few people know about me.
I was only a light social smoker for three MONTHS, and these have been my consequences.

I had no idea what a risk I was taking by taking that first puff, and how much willpower it would take for the rest of my life to stay clean.
I'm so thankful for the strength I've received from my Savior Jesus Christ to quit, and the motivation I have from my family to keep it that way.
I'm really making progress now as a new person. I've been free from these chains, at least for this year. I'm not looking back and I've had so many blessings for it.

Now that I've made this much progress, I feel comfortable speaking about it publicly.
There have been heart breaking moments during the beginning of my marriage, two pregnancies and other vital times with these cravings that would make me shake from head to toe with thirst in my throat for something I knew would hurt me deeply, and worse, hurt the babies I love so dearly.
I knew then (and more so now) that God allowed me to have this experience in my time on earth as a proving ground. I needed to prove my loyalty to myself, over and over again. I haven't stopped praying for help. Although I've never put another cigarette to my mouth since that defining moment eight years ago, this is the first time I'm really getting somewhere.

Today I feel so free.

I have felt whole from the moment I repented and asked God for forgiveness, and after almost 9 years I feel like I don't have to fully rely on his grace to carry me from day to day with this craving, but that I'm self sufficient in being grounded and strong on my own.

It has been worth it.
Every moment of quitting has been worth it.

I'm proud to be a healthy mom and a loving wife, undistracted from this fear today.

Marks from within

I remember being pregnant with Lily.
Ricky adored all the changes going on within my body as I sacrificed so much emotionally, and physically for our baby girl to be born. I remember the look in his eyes as he told me in all seriousness how much he valued the stretch marks that began to appear. He knew they were a sign that our baby girl was healthy and growing. He also understood they represented the the dedication I had to our home and family.
He really helped me embrace the new changes I was going through during that new and interesting change of life. He has held my hand through difficult self discovery of becoming a new parent.


Taffy Broadesser-Akner wrote an article "Dancing with the scars" about trying to belly dance shortly after her son was born.
She describes coming to class and putting on a scarf  trimmed with medal charms meant to make twinkly music when you dance. When she began to shake her hips it only reminded her of a clunky cowbell - trying to alert people to get out of the way when she moved toward them.
Pregnancy had done it's thing, but she was trying not to let it get her down.

"Despite my efforts, you can't actually see my abdomen doing anything. My muscles were so disengaged ... my stomach hasn't learned to move along with me yet. It's as if there are two of me: the one undulating beneath, and the one standing still outside.
"I want to stop and explain myself, ... I can't, it would take too much energy. I'm exhausted from pretending life is normal with a newborn. ... I'm exhausted from the sheer amount of energy it has taken to fuel this hatred for my new body.
"As I'm devising a graceful exit (the teacher) says to us, 'I want all of you to find yourselves beautiful' I look in the mirror and see that tears have sprung to my eyes.
"(As I continued to search) there were parts that remained unchanged - my sparkly eyes, dimpled cheeks...

"And so I did it. I found myself. And then I found myself beautiful."

"Afterword I reached for my trusty stretch-mark cream, but I paused as it dawned on me: Stretch marks are not only at your skin's surface. They come from within. Just like strength. Just like fortitude. Just like beauty. And just like my infant son.

"(I wished) that one day I'd look as if I'd never been pregnant. The only problem was I had been pregnant. Pregnancy changed me. Shouldn't it, though? And shouldn't it leave a mark on me physically?

"(Belly-dancing) reshaped my attitude. It taught me that, like the stretch marks, ... change would come from deep within me. It was time to (re)acquaint myself. First with hesitation, but finally, with awe."